If there were an order that I could give and have people, in general, actually execute, it’d be, “Stop lying to yourself.”
"Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others." -Fyodor Dostoyevsky |
We all do it. Most of the time we do it about small things- “I eat enough healthy stuff, I’m not dangerous when I talk (text!) on the cell phone and drive, my kids know I love them (well, that one’s not so small), I don’t really need to go to the dentist." Because the lies that we tell are small then the consequences of telling them are often also small or are not noticed until the years of telling them compound on top of one another, “Yes, Mrs. A-Girl, you will need two root canals done in the course of a week…” (I'm sorta living in fear of that statement, right now. :) )
When those lies are HUGE then the repercussions of them can be completely personality encompassing. They can, literally, swallow up your entire life with their toxicity.
For years I lied to myself. It’s really not that bad. I can’t do any better. I’m fine.
Lies, lies, lies. It was that bad, I could do better-much better- and I wasn’t fine, not on any level.
I remember the day that I typed on my computer the words, “I was sexually abused. I was sexually abused. I was sexually abused.” I looked at those tiny black words on that bright white screen and wanted to throw up. I couldn’t make myself and that person BE the same person. It was too surreal. I knew it was the truth but I’d been denying it for so long, to myself especially, that I couldn't make my self-concept line up with what I knew was the truth.
I’d been staring at the facts for years, been staring at the memories, been staring at the chaos for my whole life but refusing to do the math. If you’d have given me that same math about another person I’d have been able to do it in a heartbeat, I’d have known immediately what was wrong but to apply it to myself short-circuited all my reasoning ability.
I would remember an abusive moment from my childhood, say to myself, That was weird. <shiver> Ooooh! Stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, No, really, I'm fine…have myself an all out panic attack trying to stop the emotions but never actually say to myself, that was abusive. It wasn’t until I actually read the books about abuse, heard them describe stuff that had HAPPENED TO ME and heard them call it abuse before I could say, Oh, yeah. That did suck, didn’t it?
OH, HELLO!!!!!
I literally had to make a choice to “go there,” I had to decide to let myself fall into that dark pit and not know if I’d survive to climb back out again. It was, without a doubt, the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. I’m been through some shit, this was the shittiest.
I’m not talking about surviving the abuse; I’m talking about healing from it.
The truth will set you free
but first it will make you miserable.
~ Jamie Buckingham
Survival is a thing that you do with your eyes “shut,” you learn to disassociate (a fancy word that means “to leave,” or to “cut yourself off”) from the pain. It just hurts too bad for the brain to even "look at" the trauma or the repeated trauma. Honestly, if you've never done this, it's gonna be really hard for you to wrap your head around this concept but it's a very real coping mechanism.
When this begins in childhood, the "not seeing" (and truly, not understanding, no child can categorize abuse in his or her brain) can cause catastrophic personalty disconnects.
When this begins in childhood, the "not seeing" (and truly, not understanding, no child can categorize abuse in his or her brain) can cause catastrophic personalty disconnects.
If they hurt, they leave or separate themselves from the perceived cause-either in crappy relationship skills or by eating (or not eating) or in addictions or in what I call “willful not knowing,” also known as denial. They become absolute professionals at instigating whatever warped action or non-action that it takes to dull the perceived pain or threat of pain.
I was one of those people, I would not see the truth, even in other relationships, because my mind was so clouded over by my refusal to perceive the truth in this area. I was a pro at not seeing what was right in front of me. (My first husband must of thought I was STUPID with a capitol STU!)
Healing from the pain is a thing that you have to do with your eyes “open.” You have to acknowledge the pain and embrace it. OH HOLY HELL, THAT HURTS. It sears with a pain that is indescribable.
When I finally got up the guts to confront my victimizer (and I did it via the telephone, I did not have the courage to stand in the same room with him) I sank to the floor and I literally felt pain out beyond my toes. I hurt so badly that my body couldn’t contain it all. And, it didn’t stop there, it hurt for years.
Survival hurts beyond belief; healing hurts in whole new ways.
It’s worth it.
Because there is freedom on the other side of that pain.
Freedom, like you have never known before.
I’ve resisted writing a blog for a while now because there was no honest way to say, “These are my thoughts,” without including these experiences on some level and I DO NOT want to bash the people involved. Truly, from what I know about my victimizer’s childhood and his father’s childhood, the finger pointing would never stop. It would just continue on down the line of generations until we got back to the original people.
We’re all broken.
Every last damn one of us.
It hurts to be human.
I say all of this, now, because I’ve been there (and fought my way to "here.")
I’ve learned that, without a doubt, the worst person to lie to is yourself. You do it because it seems like it is the only way that you can survive the pain in your life but there comes a time to move past the pain, a time for truth, and the only way that you can truly thrive in your life is to stop the lies.
Thriving is so much better than just surviving.
And, I’ve learned that the truth, no matter how ugly it may be, really does set you free and in ways that you couldn't even comprehend while you were a prisoner to the lies.
Once your eyes are opened to the truth it is almost impossible to go back to sleep. That is a life skill - to stay" awake" in painful situations- that is invaluable.
So, listen to your own truth.
It won’t be something new or unexpected, there is a voice inside your head already saying it. Stop doing everything in your power to shut it up. Sit down and listen, really listen, grieve however much you need to grieve and then do WHATEVER it takes to fix the problem. Fix it once and for all so that you can leave it behind. Stop letting your avoidance of that ugly little (or big) truth run your life. Inside of you is a you that is desperate to heal but you have to get out of her way.
I wish someone would have said this to me while I was still wandering around, willfully blind to my own truth, and I would like to believe that I would have listened but that could be...a lie. :)
None who have always been free
can understand the
terrible fascinating power of
the hope of freedom
to those who are not free.
~ Pearl S. Buck
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