Do Superman Capes Come in “Horse" Size?

Okay, so today Horse and I had a great ride. We went through our normal paces and then, as I was holding him steady in front of the burn pit, “See, it’s just smoke! Yeah, it moves and smells bad but smoke does not eat horses, I promise,” and, as I was studying his ears for the first sign of BOLT! while we were at the fence line watching the EVIL riding lawn mower, “This loud, funny thing only eats grass!” but before, we circled, circled, circled, circled, circled, circled that strange little bridge that MOVES (egads!) under his feet, I had myself a moment.

You know that moment when suddenly the clouds part and the world makes sense for just 3 tiny seconds. But, oh, those three tiny seconds make the rest of the shitty day/week/month/year worth it? Yeah, one of those moments.

I was thinking to myself, 

why do I do all of this, this constant training and constant exposure of Horse to new and different and scary things? It’s ‘cause I want a SUPERHORSE. A horse that can go and do anything, anywhere. I  don’t want to push him through his fears, I want him to have enough confidence to overcome his fears.

It was at that moment that it was as if God said to me,

Yep, that’s what I’ve been doing with you. It has seemed like you’ve spent your whole life waiting to live but I've wanted you to be confident, to overcome your fears. To be a SUPER A-GIRL!

You know, as forty approaches, I’ve been overcome with this disappointment that I’m not further.  I had such plans and such expectations for where I’d be at this point in my life and, instead, I’ve just been overwhelmed with how hard I’ve had to struggle to just get this far. (See previous few posts.) An abusive childhood, a pitiful first marriage which was a direct result of said crappy childhood, an immune system that was TOAST, also due to said childhood, ETC (and it is etcetera, child abuse is the gift that just keeps on giving) -I'd spent 30 something years in chaos.

I’ve spent the last, nearly, 10 years pulling myself out of it. I’m proud of myself. I survived HELL, beat it back and learned to THRIVE on the other side of it. But, I look up and where “I wanted to be” seems so far away. I feel like I am perpetually behind.  Then, I have a moment like today, in which I suddenly realize that I have not been ignored or unloved through it all. I am not alone and “behind.”  I am exactly where I am supposed to be at exactly the right time.

"Not all who wander are lost."

- J.R.R. Tolkien

In order to have a SUPERHORSE (or anything else SUPER-family, career, life, etc.) I will have to be a SUPERHUMAN. I will have to be emotionally fit. I have never been that before, at all. Today, I am much closer to that ideal. And, it is because I have taken the time that it takes, I have done the work, I have become much more confident, but it is a process that has taken YEARS.

Forty is super nifty in that, if you’ve fought the hard fight, it can be like a plateau from which you stop and survey how high you’ve climbed.

And, I love the air up here!