My divorce was final in 2002 and that song came blaring out of the radio and hit me in the gut. I could identify so much with the sentiment - he lies, she wants to believe. My ex-husband was the best liar I’ve ever met and it didn’t hurt that I WANTED to believe him. He was also a youth pastor/pastor and very very very very good at “social”- one sort of guy away from church, another sort of guy at church. Everyone, who meant anything to me, wanted to believe. It was a lot like living with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Nothing in my past had prepared me for dealing with this, for dealing with the truth about my situation.
After 11 ½ years, after I'd finally gotten up enough guts to slink out the door and leave, I knew that the “good one” would be the one who would show up to pick up our son, the one who would stand on my front porch and smile, the one who would want me back. I COULD NOT let myself forget what it was like to really live with him, what it was like to live with BOTH of them - Dr J. and Mr. H.
There is no Arizona,
No Painted Desert,
No Sedona.
And, if there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he’s told her.
But they don’t exist, those dreams he sold her
She’ll wake up and find
There is no Arizona
-There is No Arizona, Jamie O’Neal
A-Girl, I’d tell myself, there is NO Arizona.
I bought the album (no, I bought the CD, hahaha, we used to buy “albums”) and listened to the song over and over, I even bought a bottle of Arizona Tea and left it, unopened, on my microwave so that I would NOT forget, There is NO Arizona. Hammer it into your head, there is NO Arizona. It does not exist!
About a year later, when I met my now husband, that bottle was still on my microwave. I’d long since given up on love, on a future, on anything more than surviving day to day. I’d met and been out with several guys. So? I just wanted to be married, to be committed, to be working toward something with someone. But not just anyone, someone who was worth the work, someone who wanted it as much as I did and that guy just didn’t seem to be out there, at all.
I never (ever) regretted leaving my ex-husband but I was “the marrying kind” and I missed marriage, or marriage the way that I wanted to believe that it could be.
When THAT guy walked through the door of my cousin’s bridal shower, hope walked in. I didn’t know it yet but there it was. It wasn’t perfect but it was beautiful.
It happened fast. We met, fell in love and were planning our wedding in a few months time. The whole thing was sorta flying by so fast that I was a little numb. If he saw my Arizona Tea bottle on the microwave, he never asked and I never told him.
Then, one day, we were sitting at McDonalds, discussing plans and I heard him say,
“I found the engagement ring in Sedona
and I want us to fly out there to see it.
So, we’re gonna fly out to Sedona, Arizona
and then we’re going to go to the Painted Desert
and to see the Grand Canyon…”
The world stopped turning.
The color drained from my face.
He’s an engineer and not always very intuitive so I must have looked BAD.
I know I’d stopped chewing.
He grew silent and studied me,
“A-Girl, what’s wrong?"
“There is no Arizona.”
When I finished he looked at me and said,
“Baby,
there IS an Arizona
and I’m gonna prove it to you.”
(I still cry.)
There IS an Arizona, I've been there.
 |
And yes, we bought the ring. Are you kidding me? I’d have bought that thing even if I’d HATED it. I don’t, I love it, but it wouldn’t have mattered. Not one bit. :) |
(Oh, and we had the song played at our wedding.)
No comments:
Post a Comment